The Break-up

So I got a FB message this morning from Max saying he just wants to be friends. I listened to that song Summertime Sadness and bawled. Why do people have to break-up? He wasn't in love with me anymore, and told me so. When I asked him he told the girl he dated while we were broken up before he said "I told her we had to take a step back because I'm talking to my ex again". What does that mean? Geez. I'm tempted to post a slew of nasty things about him, but will remain tasteful and tactful. This hurts, but I know it will pass. Whenever I expressed concern or doubt he'd pull away, wasn't willing to work through issues. Will I ever marry? Will I ever have another child? I think the answer to that is yes. Gotta keep my head up and look for the silver lining. Gotta work-out like a demon and study hard in school. Gotta accomplish my goals no matter what the set-backs are. I just had the goal of working it out with him, but I couldn't accomplish that on my own. Takes two to make a unit whole, and will you ever be whole? No, but you keep working on it and trying it on for size and stitching up the loose seams.

Dedicated to Claude, Who Loves poetry even more than I

The 6 strings, if tuned, sound so good If you play them right, which you should People will laugh, or dance, or just listen or perhaps even be moved to kissing Though there is much preparation to be had if done right, with time taken, you will be glad You ever tried to make one sound and found yourself unbound by worry, debt, all sorts of nasty things You might even try your luck at singing Songs with voice make new dreams, And stitch up all the loose seams.

Best Kiss Ever

I was 13, visiting my cousins in Kerville, TX. Somehow I ended up in Schreiner Park on the Guadalupe with Wil B******, my first boyfriend ever. He had blonde hair, a flop, which most skaters (skateboarders) were wearing at the time, and blue blue eyes. He was so sweet to me. We sat on a picnic table looking out at the river for a long time. We turned and looked at each other, and he leaned in, and the kiss started. I was so overwhelmed with emotion I blacked out, and when I came to my lips were wet and he was looking at me with the most pleasant face, like he was looking into my soul and liked, really liked, what he saw. I wil mever forget that kiss. Right after the kiss my cousins drove up in their car. I worried they saw us, but none led on, except my cousin Nick whom I was closest to. He looked at me as if to say "Well? Did you do it?" all curious and pleased. I wish I could reenact that moment every day for the rest of my life. I would be so content.

Back Together Again

Two months too long since my last Journal entry. It's after 1am, on a Tuesday night. This is my weekend, since I'm off every Wednesday and Thursday. So much has happened. I broke up with Max about 3 times, went back to the Mormon church for a week, have started classes, am back with Max, though it's not quite the same. He had me on a pedestal, admiring me with no criticism or judgment. I've lost that privilege. He told me three weeks ago, before we got back together, that he still loved me, but wasn't in love with me anymore. Ouch. I wept, and longed to have it back the way it was. For 6 weeks I tried to get him back, forfeiting dates, sending him love songs on Facebook, asking him to movies and dinner, which he did go to with me. Anyways, it was a guy at work that asked me out that finally helped Max decide to try again with me. He asked me out, and I told Max I had said no before to other guys because I was waiting for him to come around, but I was starting to finally doubt he would come back to me, so I thought I would go on this date, and if I did my heart would probably grow further away from him. He cried. "Ask me not to go on this date until you make up your mind about me and I won't go". "Can I let you know tomorrow" he said. "Ya. You can let let me know tomorrow. You just don't want me to call him tonight!". "You saw that comin" he said.So the next day I drove from Medina Lake where I was dogsitting for my grandma to the Alamo Drafthouse to watch 2 Guns with Max. He was acting so nice, and scooted close to me and rested his arm on my leg. I was hopeful. We drank a couple beers and I brought it up. "So...?". "Well I thought about it and decided..." major pause "don't go on the date. I want to try to work it out, but I want to take it slow this time". "Like just date?" "Ya". "I'm so happy!" I yelled. He chuckled. It was kinda rough the first week. I could tell he was doubting his decision, but things have gotten WAYYY better in two short weeks, so I am hopeful he will fall in love with me again. He told me I don't have to try so hard, so I've backed off a bit. He called me every day when I went to Fort Worth to visit my Aunt Liese and cousin Joanna because I told him to call me when he felt like it because I felt like I was bothering him sometimes. The only reason I broke up with him, the last time anyway, was because I thought I couldn't be with someone who doesn't believe in God, but Max is good. Really I was just protecting myself from getting hurt. I was fearful of that, so to prevent it I just broke it off. I really regret it, but things can always turn out for good if you want it to, of course he has to want it to also, so if we keep trying I think it'll be like it was. I remember our first kiss. We were at the Falls bar and dance club, and we were really into each other all night, and we walked out to the patio and our hands just gravitated to each other. We talked a bit, and were really close. We leaned in, and he asked "Can I kiss you?" 2nd best kiss of my life. We just kissed and kissed for 3 or 4 minutes, with people and excitement all around, a fountain flowing nearby. I'll always remember that kiss no matter what happens. If he breaks up with me I'll survive, but I so want it to work out.

May Blog Entries

Wednesday, May 15, 2013 Another Day, Just Breathe So my baby sister is moving to North Carolina in less than a month. With her she is taking my favorite nephews, all 4 of them, all boys, age 3 to 11. I am heart-broken by this. Not only is my little sister one of my best friends, her boys are like my own sons. I love them to pieces, and want to see them grow up. This does, however, encourage me to get my degree so I can make more money so I can go visit at least twice a year. I really want to take my son too to go and see them all. My mom and little sis haven't been talking much for the past 6 months. My little sis and dad got into it about whether it was ok to spank her kids and she was like, "No way" and my dad was like "Yes way" and my mom got in the middle of it and now they are at odds with each other. I personally think they should let it go, but my mom has some issues she hasn't dealt with that prevent her from reconciling, and Jackie is just now going through mourning about our childhood so that kinda prevents her from reconciling as well. I can't say that I blame her. Everyone has to deal with their childhood in their own terms, and one gets angry, sad, then comes to terms with it. I am confident they will reunite in some fashion at some point. So changing the subject, I got upset with my boyfriend about him tentively spending the night with one of his female friends. I think it's ludicrous to do this, but he seems to think it's no big deal. Hmm. Not sure exactly how I feel about his non-chalant attitude about this situation. I think it's dangerous to spend the night at someone of the opposite sex's house, especially when there is drinking involved, which there was going to be. Luckily the plans got canceled and he didn't go, but I'm sure this issue is going to come up again. So far he's done what it takes to make me feel safe, agreed to do do and not do certain things. I don't ask much really. I do trust him, but I am being realistic when I fear him being alone in a house late at night with a girl after he's been drinking. I think most people would agree with this. So Mother's Day was a disaster. I worked and go so overwhelmed with anxiety I had to go hom. My boss said "You're killing me! Get outta here!" after I told him I had to leave. This is the first time in a year I had such anxiety I had to go home. No wait, there was one other time about 6 months ago where I got so worked up I had to leave, so this is the second time in a year. I texted him and told him I hardly ever get that bad, and I'd made an appt with the doc to see about getting on Xanax or something to help deal with the anxiety. Today he was joking around with me and said, "Tell you what, give me 5 Xanax and we'll call it even." At least I still have a job. Only thing is I gotta watch it and try not to get overwhenled again. I feel I really need a break from work. Luckily in June my boyfriend is going to Oklahoma for 3 weeks and I'm going to visit for 3 1/2 days. There is a salt water warmed swimming pool in the hotel where he is staying at. I think I'll just sit by that pool all day, write, drink a few too many margaritas, and take a swim when I feel like it. I just need some serious relaxation time. Today I'm staying home, after working a few hours at the restaurant, and chill chill chillin. Not even going to the gym. I just need to not have to be anywhere or do anything for a bit. In the morning I'll get up, go for a swim, and go to work. They have me working 6 days a week, eek! Can't wait for school to start, and to cut back on work and focus on finishing my education. Going to go to Texas State University and get my degree in Writing and Rhetoric, become an editor or something. I love to write! My grandmother was an editor. She edited books until very recently, and she's 83! Posted by Sarah Smith at 4:09 PM No comments: Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to Facebook Thursday, May 9, 2013 One Year of Normalness So I erased my previous blog, completely did away with it, but not before I copied it and saved it on my personal computer so I can go back and read about this phase I was in. I was going through a "Screw The World!" phase and said some pretty nasty stuff. Too many details about my love life really. Although I have to say it was nice when my viewing population nearly doubled after writing a post titled "Warning: X-Rated". Well now I'm back, determined to have some substance in this thing and not just shocking news of my personal life. My ex contacted me today, which was really interesting because I haven't thought of him much since we broke up over 3 months ago, but today I thought about calling him. I guess I'm worried about him, hoping he is doing ok. All he wrote was "Blah. You look well. I hope you are doing ok." I hope he is doing ok. We were together 10 months, of which looking back I was quite depressed during the entire time. We've known each other since highschool, so I hope we can be friends again. So at work they are training me to become a bartender. I have mixed feelings about this. For one I have always wanted to be a bartender, so I am thrilled at the prospect of fullfilling this dream of mine. However, I have bouts of anxiety where I freak out quite a bit and have a lot of difficulty talking to people. I just start remembering all the crazy things that happened while I was having many a manic episode in my past. Granted, it's been a year since my last episode, but my anxiety hits and I become afraid that another episode is looming around the sharp and painful corner. However, I am determined to ride these waves of disheveling thoughts and do what needs to be done to be successful at it. Everyone's got one form of weakness or another. Mine is in my head, and actaully sometimes the anxiety does manifest itself into a physical form, with shaky legs and quivering arms. I feel energy coursing through my body and I can't seem to control it. Of course Clonapin helps, A LOT, but sometimes not even that can settle down my worried mind. I'm still somewhat traumatized by acts I've committed. Doesn't sound right does it? To be traumatized by your own actions, but that's exactly what it is. I'm shocked at my own behaviour. Granted my brain was not firing the right synapses at the right time. I needed some serious medications of which I wasn't getting to set it right. Luckily, after 3 years of trying different meds, they found the right ones to suit my chemical make-up. It's been a year since my last episode. :)

Norman, Oklahoma

Been in Norman Oklahoma for 3 days now. I was born to go on vacation. Lounging by the pool, waking up whenever, never cooking or cleaning up, just eating whatever you want (healthy stuff of course). I looovvve to relax. Today we went into Oklahoma City and went to the Art Museum there. On the first floor were some awesome black and white photos of famous people like Madonna, David Bowie, Nelson Mandela, and Johnny Depp. The photos rocked. Black and whites are my favorite. The 2nd and third floor were so-so. I'm not into paintings so much, unless it's like Monet or Van Gogh. We then walked around and went into Bricktown, where the cool people go. There were pubs and pubs and more pubs, a giant bicycle where people could get on and peddle and drink while they did so, and there was an event center where we were going to see John Fullbright, Tony Lucca, Cory Chisel and the Wondering sons, and more folk musicians, but the $15 tickets sold out and it was $72 for the both of us and well, as much as I wanted to go I just couldn't spend that much. I'm on a limited budget on this vacation, unfortunately. What it would be like to make 100 grand a year and be able to do all the fun stuff you ever wanted, one day. So tomorrow John Fullbright is playing at the Lions Park here in Norman for free! So I will get to see him. I checked out a song of his on Youtube called Satan and St. Paul and it's awesome. Great guitar playing with a raspy soulfull folklike voice. Can't wait. We did go to a tavern and I had an Apple Cider, de-lish, but had to leave before I finished the second one because a wa ve of anxiety washed over me with each gulp. Something about alcohol brings on the anxiety. Max was great, he didn't even finish his beer and just guided me back to the car looking at me with concern making sure I was alright. Such a sweetie. He's a keeper for sure. He's laying in bed right now watching True Blood laughing out loud every now and then. I wanta just go jump on him and tickle him and wrestle him. Soon I will do just that. :) Happy times... Oh I did see in Oklahoma City a block where the tornado hit. It wasn't a big section of debris, but where it hit it demolished the houses and trees. I wondered if everyone made it out ok from that. Hopefully they were in a storm cellar or shelter.

Amtrak Traveler/Quitting Smoking

I've been on the Amtrak train for 7 hours. I haven't smoked the entire time. I'm in a new city with new buildings, new shops, and a cooler climate and all I can think of is going outside, bumming a smoke, and lighting up. I feel like a drug addict! Ugh! I am a drug addict. Nicotine, I could write a lament for the loss of it. It's been my best friend for years and years, almost 20 years (minus the ten of that that I didn't smoke). I'm so sad with the thought of never smoking again. How can that be? How can I never puff away so pleasurably again? It's all or nothing for you and your addictive personality babe. I can't just have one, cause then I need another and another. This is so hard. I don't know if I wanta endure it! But I have to! No options. 17% of all deaths in the United States are caused by smoking cigarettes. That's almost 1/5, like 51 million or so people die every year from smoking cigarettes. That's 4 million a month, which is 139,000 people every day, every freakin day! The point is that many are dying from those little white smoking sticks. Insane! And yet still, all I wanta do is go smoke. This is killing me. So either it kills me for a few minutes every few hours for a week, or it takes like 5 or 10 or 15 years off my life. You freakin choose! Ok so I just got up and bought a cup of coffee and a chocolate chip cookie, hoping that would help, and while I was cream and sugaring it up I saw a little pamphlet resting on the counter. I flipped it open and there was a picture of an angel and a saying that said whoever wasn't written into the book of life would be cast into a lake of fire. Good god I didn't want to read that right now. I'm really freakin. If there's smoking allowed there than I'll go! No, but seriously, I doubt there is smoking in eternity. It's not healthy, and in eternity everybody has a perfect body and is super healthy, I imagine anyway. This is my little theory. I'm reminded of what my adorable little sister told me yesterday, "It's about Progress, not perfection". So freakin true... Well I am on my way to Norman, Oklahoma, and I imagine I will be writing a lot more the next 4 or 5 days, as I will be there that whole time, living it up. Actually I plan to have like a Zen retreat, not that I believe in reincarnation or melting into one with the great Baharama or whatever it is called, but Zen as in doing Yoga, swimming, and lounging by the pool, writing, walking around and taking pics, and just being for a little while without having to be or do anything in particular.