May Blog Entries

Wednesday, May 15, 2013 Another Day, Just Breathe So my baby sister is moving to North Carolina in less than a month. With her she is taking my favorite nephews, all 4 of them, all boys, age 3 to 11. I am heart-broken by this. Not only is my little sister one of my best friends, her boys are like my own sons. I love them to pieces, and want to see them grow up. This does, however, encourage me to get my degree so I can make more money so I can go visit at least twice a year. I really want to take my son too to go and see them all. My mom and little sis haven't been talking much for the past 6 months. My little sis and dad got into it about whether it was ok to spank her kids and she was like, "No way" and my dad was like "Yes way" and my mom got in the middle of it and now they are at odds with each other. I personally think they should let it go, but my mom has some issues she hasn't dealt with that prevent her from reconciling, and Jackie is just now going through mourning about our childhood so that kinda prevents her from reconciling as well. I can't say that I blame her. Everyone has to deal with their childhood in their own terms, and one gets angry, sad, then comes to terms with it. I am confident they will reunite in some fashion at some point. So changing the subject, I got upset with my boyfriend about him tentively spending the night with one of his female friends. I think it's ludicrous to do this, but he seems to think it's no big deal. Hmm. Not sure exactly how I feel about his non-chalant attitude about this situation. I think it's dangerous to spend the night at someone of the opposite sex's house, especially when there is drinking involved, which there was going to be. Luckily the plans got canceled and he didn't go, but I'm sure this issue is going to come up again. So far he's done what it takes to make me feel safe, agreed to do do and not do certain things. I don't ask much really. I do trust him, but I am being realistic when I fear him being alone in a house late at night with a girl after he's been drinking. I think most people would agree with this. So Mother's Day was a disaster. I worked and go so overwhelmed with anxiety I had to go hom. My boss said "You're killing me! Get outta here!" after I told him I had to leave. This is the first time in a year I had such anxiety I had to go home. No wait, there was one other time about 6 months ago where I got so worked up I had to leave, so this is the second time in a year. I texted him and told him I hardly ever get that bad, and I'd made an appt with the doc to see about getting on Xanax or something to help deal with the anxiety. Today he was joking around with me and said, "Tell you what, give me 5 Xanax and we'll call it even." At least I still have a job. Only thing is I gotta watch it and try not to get overwhenled again. I feel I really need a break from work. Luckily in June my boyfriend is going to Oklahoma for 3 weeks and I'm going to visit for 3 1/2 days. There is a salt water warmed swimming pool in the hotel where he is staying at. I think I'll just sit by that pool all day, write, drink a few too many margaritas, and take a swim when I feel like it. I just need some serious relaxation time. Today I'm staying home, after working a few hours at the restaurant, and chill chill chillin. Not even going to the gym. I just need to not have to be anywhere or do anything for a bit. In the morning I'll get up, go for a swim, and go to work. They have me working 6 days a week, eek! Can't wait for school to start, and to cut back on work and focus on finishing my education. Going to go to Texas State University and get my degree in Writing and Rhetoric, become an editor or something. I love to write! My grandmother was an editor. She edited books until very recently, and she's 83! Posted by Sarah Smith at 4:09 PM No comments: Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to Facebook Thursday, May 9, 2013 One Year of Normalness So I erased my previous blog, completely did away with it, but not before I copied it and saved it on my personal computer so I can go back and read about this phase I was in. I was going through a "Screw The World!" phase and said some pretty nasty stuff. Too many details about my love life really. Although I have to say it was nice when my viewing population nearly doubled after writing a post titled "Warning: X-Rated". Well now I'm back, determined to have some substance in this thing and not just shocking news of my personal life. My ex contacted me today, which was really interesting because I haven't thought of him much since we broke up over 3 months ago, but today I thought about calling him. I guess I'm worried about him, hoping he is doing ok. All he wrote was "Blah. You look well. I hope you are doing ok." I hope he is doing ok. We were together 10 months, of which looking back I was quite depressed during the entire time. We've known each other since highschool, so I hope we can be friends again. So at work they are training me to become a bartender. I have mixed feelings about this. For one I have always wanted to be a bartender, so I am thrilled at the prospect of fullfilling this dream of mine. However, I have bouts of anxiety where I freak out quite a bit and have a lot of difficulty talking to people. I just start remembering all the crazy things that happened while I was having many a manic episode in my past. Granted, it's been a year since my last episode, but my anxiety hits and I become afraid that another episode is looming around the sharp and painful corner. However, I am determined to ride these waves of disheveling thoughts and do what needs to be done to be successful at it. Everyone's got one form of weakness or another. Mine is in my head, and actaully sometimes the anxiety does manifest itself into a physical form, with shaky legs and quivering arms. I feel energy coursing through my body and I can't seem to control it. Of course Clonapin helps, A LOT, but sometimes not even that can settle down my worried mind. I'm still somewhat traumatized by acts I've committed. Doesn't sound right does it? To be traumatized by your own actions, but that's exactly what it is. I'm shocked at my own behaviour. Granted my brain was not firing the right synapses at the right time. I needed some serious medications of which I wasn't getting to set it right. Luckily, after 3 years of trying different meds, they found the right ones to suit my chemical make-up. It's been a year since my last episode. :)