May Blog Entries

Wednesday, May 15, 2013 Another Day, Just Breathe So my baby sister is moving to North Carolina in less than a month. With her she is taking my favorite nephews, all 4 of them, all boys, age 3 to 11. I am heart-broken by this. Not only is my little sister one of my best friends, her boys are like my own sons. I love them to pieces, and want to see them grow up. This does, however, encourage me to get my degree so I can make more money so I can go visit at least twice a year. I really want to take my son too to go and see them all. My mom and little sis haven't been talking much for the past 6 months. My little sis and dad got into it about whether it was ok to spank her kids and she was like, "No way" and my dad was like "Yes way" and my mom got in the middle of it and now they are at odds with each other. I personally think they should let it go, but my mom has some issues she hasn't dealt with that prevent her from reconciling, and Jackie is just now going through mourning about our childhood so that kinda prevents her from reconciling as well. I can't say that I blame her. Everyone has to deal with their childhood in their own terms, and one gets angry, sad, then comes to terms with it. I am confident they will reunite in some fashion at some point. So changing the subject, I got upset with my boyfriend about him tentively spending the night with one of his female friends. I think it's ludicrous to do this, but he seems to think it's no big deal. Hmm. Not sure exactly how I feel about his non-chalant attitude about this situation. I think it's dangerous to spend the night at someone of the opposite sex's house, especially when there is drinking involved, which there was going to be. Luckily the plans got canceled and he didn't go, but I'm sure this issue is going to come up again. So far he's done what it takes to make me feel safe, agreed to do do and not do certain things. I don't ask much really. I do trust him, but I am being realistic when I fear him being alone in a house late at night with a girl after he's been drinking. I think most people would agree with this. So Mother's Day was a disaster. I worked and go so overwhelmed with anxiety I had to go hom. My boss said "You're killing me! Get outta here!" after I told him I had to leave. This is the first time in a year I had such anxiety I had to go home. No wait, there was one other time about 6 months ago where I got so worked up I had to leave, so this is the second time in a year. I texted him and told him I hardly ever get that bad, and I'd made an appt with the doc to see about getting on Xanax or something to help deal with the anxiety. Today he was joking around with me and said, "Tell you what, give me 5 Xanax and we'll call it even." At least I still have a job. Only thing is I gotta watch it and try not to get overwhenled again. I feel I really need a break from work. Luckily in June my boyfriend is going to Oklahoma for 3 weeks and I'm going to visit for 3 1/2 days. There is a salt water warmed swimming pool in the hotel where he is staying at. I think I'll just sit by that pool all day, write, drink a few too many margaritas, and take a swim when I feel like it. I just need some serious relaxation time. Today I'm staying home, after working a few hours at the restaurant, and chill chill chillin. Not even going to the gym. I just need to not have to be anywhere or do anything for a bit. In the morning I'll get up, go for a swim, and go to work. They have me working 6 days a week, eek! Can't wait for school to start, and to cut back on work and focus on finishing my education. Going to go to Texas State University and get my degree in Writing and Rhetoric, become an editor or something. I love to write! My grandmother was an editor. She edited books until very recently, and she's 83! Posted by Sarah Smith at 4:09 PM No comments: Email ThisBlogThis!Share to TwitterShare to Facebook Thursday, May 9, 2013 One Year of Normalness So I erased my previous blog, completely did away with it, but not before I copied it and saved it on my personal computer so I can go back and read about this phase I was in. I was going through a "Screw The World!" phase and said some pretty nasty stuff. Too many details about my love life really. Although I have to say it was nice when my viewing population nearly doubled after writing a post titled "Warning: X-Rated". Well now I'm back, determined to have some substance in this thing and not just shocking news of my personal life. My ex contacted me today, which was really interesting because I haven't thought of him much since we broke up over 3 months ago, but today I thought about calling him. I guess I'm worried about him, hoping he is doing ok. All he wrote was "Blah. You look well. I hope you are doing ok." I hope he is doing ok. We were together 10 months, of which looking back I was quite depressed during the entire time. We've known each other since highschool, so I hope we can be friends again. So at work they are training me to become a bartender. I have mixed feelings about this. For one I have always wanted to be a bartender, so I am thrilled at the prospect of fullfilling this dream of mine. However, I have bouts of anxiety where I freak out quite a bit and have a lot of difficulty talking to people. I just start remembering all the crazy things that happened while I was having many a manic episode in my past. Granted, it's been a year since my last episode, but my anxiety hits and I become afraid that another episode is looming around the sharp and painful corner. However, I am determined to ride these waves of disheveling thoughts and do what needs to be done to be successful at it. Everyone's got one form of weakness or another. Mine is in my head, and actaully sometimes the anxiety does manifest itself into a physical form, with shaky legs and quivering arms. I feel energy coursing through my body and I can't seem to control it. Of course Clonapin helps, A LOT, but sometimes not even that can settle down my worried mind. I'm still somewhat traumatized by acts I've committed. Doesn't sound right does it? To be traumatized by your own actions, but that's exactly what it is. I'm shocked at my own behaviour. Granted my brain was not firing the right synapses at the right time. I needed some serious medications of which I wasn't getting to set it right. Luckily, after 3 years of trying different meds, they found the right ones to suit my chemical make-up. It's been a year since my last episode. :)

Norman, Oklahoma

Been in Norman Oklahoma for 3 days now. I was born to go on vacation. Lounging by the pool, waking up whenever, never cooking or cleaning up, just eating whatever you want (healthy stuff of course). I looovvve to relax. Today we went into Oklahoma City and went to the Art Museum there. On the first floor were some awesome black and white photos of famous people like Madonna, David Bowie, Nelson Mandela, and Johnny Depp. The photos rocked. Black and whites are my favorite. The 2nd and third floor were so-so. I'm not into paintings so much, unless it's like Monet or Van Gogh. We then walked around and went into Bricktown, where the cool people go. There were pubs and pubs and more pubs, a giant bicycle where people could get on and peddle and drink while they did so, and there was an event center where we were going to see John Fullbright, Tony Lucca, Cory Chisel and the Wondering sons, and more folk musicians, but the $15 tickets sold out and it was $72 for the both of us and well, as much as I wanted to go I just couldn't spend that much. I'm on a limited budget on this vacation, unfortunately. What it would be like to make 100 grand a year and be able to do all the fun stuff you ever wanted, one day. So tomorrow John Fullbright is playing at the Lions Park here in Norman for free! So I will get to see him. I checked out a song of his on Youtube called Satan and St. Paul and it's awesome. Great guitar playing with a raspy soulfull folklike voice. Can't wait. We did go to a tavern and I had an Apple Cider, de-lish, but had to leave before I finished the second one because a wa ve of anxiety washed over me with each gulp. Something about alcohol brings on the anxiety. Max was great, he didn't even finish his beer and just guided me back to the car looking at me with concern making sure I was alright. Such a sweetie. He's a keeper for sure. He's laying in bed right now watching True Blood laughing out loud every now and then. I wanta just go jump on him and tickle him and wrestle him. Soon I will do just that. :) Happy times... Oh I did see in Oklahoma City a block where the tornado hit. It wasn't a big section of debris, but where it hit it demolished the houses and trees. I wondered if everyone made it out ok from that. Hopefully they were in a storm cellar or shelter.

Amtrak Traveler/Quitting Smoking

I've been on the Amtrak train for 7 hours. I haven't smoked the entire time. I'm in a new city with new buildings, new shops, and a cooler climate and all I can think of is going outside, bumming a smoke, and lighting up. I feel like a drug addict! Ugh! I am a drug addict. Nicotine, I could write a lament for the loss of it. It's been my best friend for years and years, almost 20 years (minus the ten of that that I didn't smoke). I'm so sad with the thought of never smoking again. How can that be? How can I never puff away so pleasurably again? It's all or nothing for you and your addictive personality babe. I can't just have one, cause then I need another and another. This is so hard. I don't know if I wanta endure it! But I have to! No options. 17% of all deaths in the United States are caused by smoking cigarettes. That's almost 1/5, like 51 million or so people die every year from smoking cigarettes. That's 4 million a month, which is 139,000 people every day, every freakin day! The point is that many are dying from those little white smoking sticks. Insane! And yet still, all I wanta do is go smoke. This is killing me. So either it kills me for a few minutes every few hours for a week, or it takes like 5 or 10 or 15 years off my life. You freakin choose! Ok so I just got up and bought a cup of coffee and a chocolate chip cookie, hoping that would help, and while I was cream and sugaring it up I saw a little pamphlet resting on the counter. I flipped it open and there was a picture of an angel and a saying that said whoever wasn't written into the book of life would be cast into a lake of fire. Good god I didn't want to read that right now. I'm really freakin. If there's smoking allowed there than I'll go! No, but seriously, I doubt there is smoking in eternity. It's not healthy, and in eternity everybody has a perfect body and is super healthy, I imagine anyway. This is my little theory. I'm reminded of what my adorable little sister told me yesterday, "It's about Progress, not perfection". So freakin true... Well I am on my way to Norman, Oklahoma, and I imagine I will be writing a lot more the next 4 or 5 days, as I will be there that whole time, living it up. Actually I plan to have like a Zen retreat, not that I believe in reincarnation or melting into one with the great Baharama or whatever it is called, but Zen as in doing Yoga, swimming, and lounging by the pool, writing, walking around and taking pics, and just being for a little while without having to be or do anything in particular.